It’s been four years since your passing, but I still find myself being constantly reminded of you, especially these past couple of days. And today, I almost got my nails painted.

Not because I already forgot how much you used to bother me with your insistent remarks about how I shouldn’t get my nails colored, but because I thought I’d finally be able to bury that memory of you — but I couldn’t. God forbid because at that moment, I can almost hear your voice pissing me off for the nth time, questioning one of my personal choices in life and I found myself reliving how I exasperatedly rolled my eyes and said “whatever”, but ended up removing that shade of blue after I went home that very same day, vowing to never let you see my nails painted ever again.

Guess you won again today.

——

You may be gone, and the world may not know. Still, I see you, celestial. (“Everglow”, Coldplay)

This is an apology from me... to myself.

People have always known you to be unapologetic:
You talk, act, and behave the way you want to.
Yet, in the face of someone you loved, you found yourself not able to.
I’m sorry.

You are generally assertive,
But when it mattered the most, you found yourself weeping and begging to be treated the way you really wanted and deserved to.