It’s been four years since your passing, but I still find myself being constantly reminded of you, especially these past couple of days. And today, I almost got my nails painted.

Not because I already forgot how much you used to bother me with your insistent remarks about how I shouldn’t get my nails colored, but because I thought I’d finally be able to bury that memory of you — but I couldn’t. God forbid because at that moment, I can almost hear your voice pissing me off for the nth time, questioning one of my personal choices in life and I found myself reliving how I exasperatedly rolled my eyes and said “whatever”, but ended up removing that shade of blue after I went home that very same day, vowing to never let you see my nails painted ever again.

Guess you won again today.

——

You may be gone, and the world may not know. Still, I see you, celestial. (“Everglow”, Coldplay)

This is an apology from me... to myself.

People have always known you to be unapologetic:
You talk, act, and behave the way you want to.
Yet, in the face of someone you loved, you found yourself not able to.
I’m sorry.

You are generally assertive,
But when it mattered the most, you found yourself weeping and begging to be treated the way you really wanted and deserved to.

 

Ingredients:

Procedure:

I often find myself opening this platform, but I always end up just staring at a blank page, because every word I come up with seems to be dull, not good enough or not worthy of being published. I envy the good writers of emotions.

I sometimes look at other people's blogs and wonder why my words aren't woven as perfectly as theirs, or how their emotions are intricately described when I couldn't even take time to make my phrases remotely attractive for my few to non-existing readers. I often justify my lack of writing skills by saying I'm just a straightforward person when it comes to my emotions, but in reality, I sometimes wish I could write my thoughts beautifully.

Growing up and winning awards on conferences on journalism made me think that I was a good writer, but reading enough made think otherwise. Well, one could argue that practice makes perfect, but I have been writing for as long as I can remember and until now, I still feel like I'm vanilla.

I could just suck it up at this point and blame my lack of vocabulary skills -which is probably showing haha - but that would make me not write anymore and I am faaar from giving up writing as one of my half-assed hobbies. :>

I'll kid myself and convince her that emotions aren't meant to be written ~exquisitely~, but rather expressed in the words you can currently muster, and I'd have to settle with that. For now.

Hi! Thank you for visiting my blog! I am currently trying to redesign it and will be up and running again soon! 💕

Photo by: Quartz